


Hang me out to dry

by orphan_account



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 09:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16741831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Peter knew he had problems. He knew it and he did his best to ignore them.He couldn't run away from them forever, though and he was aware once his problems caught up with him, he would be ruined. He wouldn't be able to handle it alone but he didn't deserve help. He didn't deserve to ask for it, not someone like him.But here you were, offering your hand to him and no matter what Peter did, no matter what happened, you were still there.Life had never been kind to him before so why should he accept your help?





	Hang me out to dry

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, my first fanfic in this fandom and it’s angst. I have never really written angst before and I’m really sorry about any mistakes I have made. It’s mainly in Peter’s prov.

Peter pretended to listen to his music, hoping no one would talk to him, but he soon heard someone calling his name. Putting his headphones out of his ears reluctantly, he turned his head to the source of his disturbance. He wasn’t really surprised to see his best friend Ned smiling brightly at him. He suppressed the urge to groan, wishing nothing more than to be left alone, and looked at him with a small smile. Peter wasn’t going to let his bad mood get the best of him, he wasn’t going to lash out at him, he wasn’t.

“Hey man, what’s up?”, asked Peter, moving a little to the left on the bench he was sitting on so his friend was able to sit down next to him. Ned understood his silent message immediately and took a seat next to his side.  
“My stress level. I missed you, I haven’t seen you in ages!”, said Ned and nudged Peter lightly. He flinched, his friend’s gentle touch felt like fire burning his skin, making him want nothing more than to leave him but he didn’t. This was Ned, Ned was his friend, his best friend. Get a grip, Peter!

His friend frowned, withdrawing his hand, letting it fall onto his own lap instead. “You alright, Pete?” His voice was softer, so so much softer than before, worry evident in every word. Peter took a long breath through his nose, his smile widening. “Sure, I’m perfectly fine, no worries,” he said, forcing himself to pat his friend’s shoulder. He didn’t know when it became so hard for him to touch people but he hated it. He hated it, hated it, hated it! “Just a little on edge, you know? Feels like university is trying to kill us with all those assignments!” Ned nodded quickly, his smile returning on his lips, his frown disappearing.  
“I get it, man. I bet it’s even harder for you with your… internship.”  
Peter shrugged. He really didn’t want to talk about his nightly activities. Scratch that, he didn’t want to talk at all. “It’s fine, it helps coping with the stress.” No, it didn’t. It made it worse. But not going outside being Spider-Man meant having to lay in bed, meaning he was alone with his thoughts, without having anything to help him escape and the responsibility of having not saved anyone. Every citizen that got hurt when he wasn’t patrolling was his fault, his own alone. Every citizen that got hurt when he WAS patrolling was his fault too. It just showed the world how incompetent he truly was. How useless. 

 

“Oh, I use Netflix for that”, said Ned and Peter snorted. “Dude, I swear someday you’ll have finished every series on there and then you’re doomed!”  
Ned just smirked at him. “Well, I’ll just delete my Netflix account and change it to Hulu.”  
Peter gasped, staring at him. “Wow, replacing the only thing that kept you sane through high-school? I’m shocked. You hear me? Shocked!” 

“Lego helped me too. And you. And MJ. Oh! Have you heard anything from MJ recently?”  
“No. I haven’t talked to her for a while now, unfortunately.” Unfortunately? You did it on purpose, you fucking idiot. Same goes for Ned. You’re avoiding them, you coward. “What about you, though? Do you know how she’s doing?”  
“Oh, yeah! She’s doing great. She’s left the country for a year, she’ll probably be back next summer.”  
“Why did she leave the country? What country?”  
“I don’t know, dude. I wanted to ask her but the last time we had been talking she was in a hurry. I’ll probably call her today or tomorrow. You should try to talk to her, too! She misses you!”  
“Oh?” Peter raised an eyebrow, his eyes glinting with amusement. “Did she tell you or do you just think she does?”  
Ned scratched his neck, sheepishly looking away. “Well, she didn’t say it but you know how she is. It was pretty obvious- okay, no, it wasn’t but she asked like, two questions about you so that’s a lot for her!”  
Peter hummed and remained silent. He knew she missed him. He also knew Ned missed him. He missed both of them so badly but he just couldn’t talk to them. It wasn’t their fault, it was his. Like everything else was his fault. His absence from their lives was better for them, even if they didn’t knew it was. Yet.

Suddenly, Ned jumped up, startling Peter. “I’m really sorry but I gotta go. My next lecture is about to start. You can message me if something is bothering you, yeah? It doesn’t matter what time it is!” Thanking him, Peter watched his best friend leave. He noticed. Of course he did. Ned wasn’t stupid and Peter was a terrible liar. When, how did he notice? When he had flinched? When Peter patted his shoulder? Did he notice it was forced? Shaking his head, he let out a long sigh. A part of him was glad he was able to talk to Ned, even though it was only for a short moment; it made him feel warm inside to know Ned cared about him but a bigger, darker, stronger part of him hated it. He had been hating a lot lately, mainly himself. He didn’t want Ned to worry about him, he didn’t even want him to waste one thought about him. He wasn’t worth it. He was a terrible best friend, a terrible liar, a terrible hero. Someone like Ned or MJ shouldn’t look at him. Someone as despicable as him shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air as them. 

Tiredness hit him like a truck, making him rub his eyes. Maybe Ned just noticed because he looked like shit. He felt like shit, he hadn’t gotten enough sleep for months now. How he was still able to keep up with studying was beyond him. 

Getting up slowly, he made his way through the crowded halls of the building. His lecture wasn’t about to start for another three hours so he might get himself a cup of coffee and maybe some breakf- no. He didn’t deserve it. He wasn’t able to save an elder lady from bleeding out in a dark alley who was just outside to spend some time with her nephew so he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t even deserve the coffee but the caffeine was the only reason why he was still able to get up in the morning, the only reason why he was still able to do everything he was required to do. He needed it. If he was able to prevent anyone from dying tonight, he might get himself a bagel. His mouth watered at the thought and he quickly shook his head. He had to do everything right first before he got one. Peter had to focus, to concentrate or he would fail yet again.

When he left the old university building, he walked through the park to the nearest cafe. His eyes were glued on his shoes, occasionally looking up to not bump into anyone, trying to focus on his breathing. He had been only walking for five minutes but he already started to feel sick. His hands and legs were shaking slightly, his breath swallow. He gulped, walking faster. He knew walking faster would only make it worse but getting slower and slower meant he had to stand on his wobbly legs longer than necessary. 

Peter was wheezing by the time he reached the cafe. It was a small one, right at the corner at the other end of the park. It was surrounded with windows, the cafe’s only light-source the sun during the day. Catching his breath, he opened the door and walked inside. The door made a high-pitched ‘ding’ sounds, causing him to wince. God, he really was on edge. Almost everything made him jump these days, causing his anxiety to get even worse and it was terrible. One reason why he couldn’t and didn’t sleep.

He made his way towards the cashier who was already smiling at him.  
“Uh hello! One black coffee, please”, he said, cracking a smile at her. She nodded, turned around and disappeared into the back. While he had to wait, his eyes wandered towards the pastries section. Blueberry muffins, apple pie slices, croissants, were laying in front of him, the only thing separating them was the glass between them. Slowly, he put his hand on the glass, looking at every treat carefully. All of them looked delicious - even the pumpkin pie he usually didn’t like. A cough brought him back to the world of the living, his focus shifting to the cashier in front of him, smiling softly. He blushed from embarrassment, which she kindly ignored, gave him his coffee and the price. With shaking fingers, he pulled out his purse, handed her the money and turned around carefully, making sure to not spill his coffee. 

Almost every seat was occupied, which shocked him. How did he not notice it? Was he seriously so focused on getting coffee that he didn’t notice how many people were here?! He should have seen the crowd from the outside! If he knew so many people were here, he’d have asked for a coffee to go and walk back to the park!

After standing awkwardly in front of the cashier for a few seconds, which felt like an eternity to him, someone caught his attention. You were waving your hand at him, smiling brightly when he finally looked at you. You gestured at the empty seat in front of you and he walked to you, taking a seat. Nervously, he rubbed his neck, smiling sheepishly at you. “Thank you for offering me to sit here”, he said, clearing his throat. You blushed lightly and leaned back. “No problem, you looked so lost so I thought: ‘Hey, let’s offer them a seat!’ but I’m sorry for the weird… gestures”, you said, almost stumbling over your words. Peter chuckled, putting his cup on the table. He laid his backpack next to his seat and took off his jacket to lay it over the back of the chair. He put out his hand, giving you a nice smile. “I’m- I’m Peter! You can use he/him pronouns, by the way. And your gestures were fine, really.” His hand was sweating, he could feel it. It felt like his hand was his own personal waterfall. He almost pulled away his hand when you grabbed it to shake it. “I’m [y/n], it’s nice to meet you, Peter!” 

“It’s nice to meet you too, [y/n].” You let go of his hand and it almost made him whine. This was the first time he didn’t have any problem with touching someone, and it made him realise how much he missed it. How much he missed holding someone’s hand, hugging someone, just being close to someone. Maybe he really should call Ned again, maybe they could do a movie night again like they used to and- He stiffened. No. If he did, if he spent too much time with Ned, it’ll be harder for him to protect him. Those who were close to him were the ones who would get hurt once someone found out he was Spider-Man or once he didn’t make it during one of his missions or patrols. He couldn’t let that happen. 

You must have noticed his reaction because when he looked at you again, your smile was wavering. Good job, Peter, good first impression. ‘How to make someone uncomfortable who was kind to you’, written by Peter Benjamin Parker.

“Sorry, I- ah- I have the tendency of getting lost in my thoughts”, said Peter and winced.  
“It’s alright, you don’t have to apologise! I have the same problem, especially during exams week”, your voice was calm, soothing. It made him relax slightly. Weird.  
“Yes, exams week is the worst,”, he agreed, leaning against the back of the chair. The zipper of his jacket poked his back but he ignored it. “Sometimes I ask myself how I have already survived two years at university.” You giggled. He liked it.  
“Me too. We have made it far, though! No quitting, now.” He shook his head and sipped on his coffee. He didn’t want to quit now, especially not on biochemistry. He loved it even though university made him want to do a back-flip out of a window. You pulled something out of your backpack - a lunchbox? You opened it, revealing squish chocolate muffins. You took one, a bit into it. After swallowing down your first bite, you glanced at him.  
”I made muffins. I know, they don’t look that great but you can have some, if you want.”  
He shook his head rather forcefully, making you look at him confusedly. He smiled at you, gulping. “They look great but no, thanks. I’m not really hun-” His stomach growled and his blushed. “…gry.” You raised your eyebrow, shaking your head. “You can take one, really. I won’t mind!”  
He licked his lips, eyeing your muffins hungrily. Honestly, he’d die for one of those but he didn’t- he didn’t deserve it. Not someone like him. “Don’t worry, my stomach is just bored.”  
You probably sensed his discomfort because the next thing you did was close your lunchbox. It made him frown, he didn’t want you to put your food away because of him. It shouldn’t make you uncomfortable to eat in front of him, you didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t- Before he was able to get lost in his thoughts again, you asked him a question.  
“Do you study biology or chemistry? Because I have an chemistry assignment to finish that is due tomorrow and I have one problem I can’t solve.” He glanced at you. Your eyes were glued to him while you put your papers on the table, shoving your lunchbox slightly to the right. “I’m studying biochemistry, actually. Maybe I can help.” You gave him a quick smile, sliding your papers towards him. He looked over them silently, silently grateful he did have the topic as well. He leaned forward, giving you your papers back and started explaining the problem to you while you quickly wrote down notes. He didn’t know how long you have been sitting there, finishing your assignment but when you were done, his coffee was cold and the cafe was a bit emptier.  
Happily, you put away your assignment and opened the lunchbox again. You grabbed a muffin, shoving it towards him. “After all this work, I think we both deserve some muffins, don’t you think?” You looked at him expectantly, your eyes glinting with… something. He didn’t know what it was but it made him feel small. Maybe understanding? He didn’t know and it made him nervous.  
He hesitated. You got a lot of work done, he was able to help you. He swallowed the lump in his throat and took the muffin. He deserved it. He helped you, he deserved it. He did something good today. He hadn’t been useless. 

You smiled at him brightly and bit into your own muffin. Your eyes wandered towards the table, not looking at him. He stared at the muffin in his hand and took his first bite. Honestly, he had to use all of his self-control not to moan right then and there. Your muffin was amazing. He forced himself to eat slowly even though it was so so so hard to do so. You looked up once he had finished his muffin, handing him another one and started to eat yours, again. He took it rather gleefully, all while thanking you and praising your muffins.  
He hadn’t realised how hungry he had been. Yes, he had been hungry but now he felt like he could eat a whole bakery. 

It confused him but while you both ate in silence, you giving him another muffin (while silently asking him for permission every time, you could really move your eyebrows rather well, wow), he didn’t feel guilty at all. He didn’t feel guilty for eating the muffins, for laughing when you had a chocolate piece on your nose and chin. All he felt was happy and relaxed.

He wished this would last forever, wished he could spend more time with you but he knew, life had never been kind to him.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is @hvrryosborns. Feel free to send in requests, if you want.


End file.
